The Saffir-Simpson hurricane scale

I thought there should be a rating scale for diapers, you know, like the Richter scale for earthquakes. Richter didn't seem appropriate, more for farts really. As when sitting on a wooden park bench and someone at the other end lets one go, does it rumble the slats or not? Of course there could be a Richter component but that starts to get complicated.

Then I thought of the Saffir-Simpson scale which is used to measure hurricanes. Mmmm, there's wind, rain and damage. That could work, so here it is.


Category 1 hurricane
75 - 95 mph winds
Damage primarily to trees and un-anchored mobile homes; some coastal flooding.

Category 1 Diaper (1 baby wipe)
75 - 90 grams of poo
Damage limited to small pellet sized poo balls. No fluids present.

Category 2 hurricane
96 -110 mph winds
Some damage to roofs, doors, windows, trees and shrubbery; flooding damage to piers.

Category 2 Diaper (2 baby wipes)
96 -110 grams of poo
Damage has arrived in larger quantities than Category 1, damage detectable by faint odour as the event passes by. Damp from peeing.


Category 3 hurricane
111 - 130 mph winds
Some structural damage; large trees blown down; flooding near shoreline and possibly inland; mobile homes destroyed.

Category 3 Diaper (3 baby wipes)
111 - 130 grams of poo
Damage easily recognized by the aroma wafting around the room/car. Substantially greater quantities of pee. Diaper makes a thud as it hits the bottom of the garbage can.

Category 4 hurricane
131 - 155 mph winds
Extensive damage to doors and windows; major damage to lower floors near shore; terrain may be flooded well inland.

Category 4 Diaper (4 baby wipes)
131 - 155 grams of poo
Saved up a whole days worth of eating for this one. Last nights dinner easily recognizable, what's that? Oh, blueberries. How can you smell this bad? Good grief, it's almost to the top of the diaper. Makes a squishing sound from the pee.
I would like to add that it is at this stage the task is handed over to the "primary caregiver" as mum (or dad) can't handle it.

Category 5 hurricane
More than 155 mph winds
Complete roof failure and some building failures; massive evacuation; flooding causes major damage to lower floors of all shoreline buildings.

Category 5 Diaper (5+ baby wipes)
More crap than you can count
Holy mother of God, it's leaking out of the sides and running down the inside of his sleeper.
The dog leaves the room in disgust.
Your T-shirt needs to be pulled up over your nose as the smell is making your eyes water.
Forgot to get the baby wipes ready first, hold the kid up in the air by his feet (shoulders still on the changing pad) and reach for the wipes with your free hand. Diaper falls to the floor creating a secondary explosion.
Call for reinforcements.
Reinforcements take a step back as they enter the room.
He hasn't finished peeing, he has now.
No amount of baby wipes is going to fix this. OFF TO THE TUB.

Beer.