Friday the 4th (Part 2)

So off we sauntered, well I sauntered, Tanner just kind of laid there.

Our gate was the one at the end of the terminal (which I would later come to regret).

I had already looked at the “map” and figured out that there was a coffee shop 3 gates before ours, so we stopped for fluids. I wanted water, but the beer was cheaper, so I asked the girls for 250 mls of hot water, 2 Heinekens and a bottle of Evian. I mixed up a batch of formula and rice cereal for the young master and we were good to go.

I knew that we would be the first to board so I didn’t have to worry about the
”free for all” at the gate. We got there just before boarding and the big guy in charge told everybody that was trying to push in front of us to “line up behind the baby”. That was really funny, I’d put up with 2 weeks of (from my perspective) rudeness, and was delighted to see some decorum.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s a different culture, I’m okay with that. I was just fed up with it. The plane is NOT going to take off until we are all on board and YOU, the guy that gave his bags to his parents when he was checking in and is now trying to get on the plane with 5 bags, are not going to use up all of the overhead bin space.

I had noticed, after leaving the coffee shop, whilst walking to the plane. That there were a lot of fellas in the front wheelwell of the plane. With flashlights, notepads, stuff. Stuff, that, well, you don’t need for routine maintenance.

We got on the plane first. I was still sweating rivers, I went to the wrong side of the plane. After putting all of our stuff in the bins I had to move to the opposite wall. Bollocks.

It all looked so different online.

We sat and watched everyone else get on. Tanner was somewhat enthralled by all the people. The girls were quick with a smile and a “cootchycoo”.

I was giving the “yes, I’m a 285lb white guy and yes, he’s with me” look to all the fellas.

Did I mention that I was really fed up with the staring?

“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking”

I should’ve known.

The pricks never “speak” that early.

3 hours later, the commandant said “the ground crew have asked us to turn the plane off and then turn it on again”

There was a bunch of guys with flashlights and notepads and now we’re just going to “reboot”? Not a happy camper in 14A.

I was relaying this story later and Faith said “I do that all the time to my computer” I said “your computer isn’t flying at 37,000 feet doing 600mph”.

Anyway 2 hours after the first 3 hours we were getting off the plane because now the crew had been “in the air” too long. If they’d have got up 3 hours later we’d have been okay.

I waited until everyone else had got off and then made our way to the exit.

“Yes, I need the stroller”

“No, I can’t carry all this to the bus”

“Are we on the same plane tomorrow?”

“Okay, then I really need to take all of this”

“Then yes, I reeeaaallly need the stroller”

It appeared that the flight crew had already pre-ordered their martinis and the ice was melting and were exiting stage left as fast as their legs would carry them..

Turned out a whole bunch of people had to wait for me and junior and another kid that was traveling alone.

There was a bus waiting and the usual scrum ensued. The driver launched my backpack into the belly of the bus (with the laptop inside) and me and the lad made our way onto the bus (coach, for the Brits).
There was a big white guy sitting next to an empty seat that had a bag on it.

“’scuse me pal can you move that bag?”

“It’s not mine” he said

With that, an old Chinese guy started yelling “my wife! my wife!” Whatever, I’ve got this culture sorted out, I threw the bag down the aisle towards him (presuming his wife wasn’t inside it).

His wife soon appeared, and the old git didn’t give her his seat, nor did any of the 20 year old students that the bus was packed with.

I could hear my nan telling me to give her my seat “sod off nan, I got a miserable kid in me arms” she understood.

The worst part was that Tanner had fallen asleep at about 6 (2 and a half hours into the big sit). If the plane had taken off, he would have slept the whole way. Bastards.

We go to the slum that they called a hotel and after waiting in line with a screaming kid for an hour (it turned out that everybody else on the plane was stone deaf! Even the wankers in business class) we were given a room and a meal voucher.

Meal voucher, thanks.......... I can’t wait to get in another line up with a screaming kid. I ordered room service.

I called Trace once teeny T. was asleep and said “Don’t ask any questions, get a pen”

She took down the number of the hotel and called Air Canada.

She called me back and told me that we would be flying out at 10:30 the next morning.

They had already allocated seats for the next morning and I was in 15 a and Tanner was in 37 f. Thank Christ, I won’t have to deal with him for 11 hours, phew!

She changed the seat allocations. She’s evil I tell ya.

We left the room early determined to get a good seat on the bus. Met a really nice Chinese/Canadian out front who told me “don’t take any prisoners man, grab a seat, I’ll look after your bags” that was greatly appreciated.

Some equally nice people helped me off of the bus at the airport. After checking in (again) we meandered through the terminal with just a few hours to kill.

BURGER KING! I saw it the day before and was assured that there was on post security. That wasn’t true. I was famished, I knew I wasn’t likely going to be able to eat much on the plane so I went for the Double Whopper. Like an angel crying on me tongue, it was.

And then on to security…….

Bearing in mind we had already done this the day before and nothing had changed (apart from the Duty Free Vodka) this should be a breeze.

Nope. They dumped the premixed formula (Tanner wasn’t hungry so wouldn’t eat it), sunscreen, bath stuff (Tracy’s) and then they took the vodka. The fella opened it, sniffed it and then dragged us off to a “special” section (the section that Cheryl was oh, so familiar with).

I wasn’t about to argue over a bottle of vodka I was bringing back for Ilya. I just wanted him to write down that he had taken it. I’m really good at conveying stuff to people with very little English (I’ve had homestay students for 14 years) this guy was either thick as a brick or just being a dick.

Anyway, no receipt, he’s not getting my vodka, I poured it into the garbage can.

After all that, it was time to board They hadn’t moved the plane it was still miles away. The moving sidewalks never move when you need them too so we galloped to the gate.

When we got there thay hadn’t started boarding and I assumed my position at the head of the line. Then I saw it. Young fella showing his laptop to one of the people at the gate.

My laptop (and it turned out my wallet) were still with “dick for brains” at security. We were the last to board.

All things considered, we survived the flight pretty well.

He never fell off the sat once, this time. There was only one major meltdown, which got me as nearly upset. There seemed to be nothing I could do to stop him crying. Cold formula did the trick????????????????

Three hours out of Vancouver, he fell asleep. I watched “The boat that rocked” great movie. I was filling up as we were coming into land partly because the ground was approaching in an orderly fashion ( I hate flying). But mainly because he was home.



Nobody at the airport. Tracy overslept. Which she only admitted 3 weeks later.

To be honest a whole bunch of people at the airport waiting for us would have been awful after the previous 36 hours. One person would have been good, but then there wouldn't be a story in it, now, would there?